I felt a little sad after I watched the Similac ad. Sure, it got in my gut, in that shlock-y way that well-crafted ads and tv shows and movies tend to do. I've gotten a bit weepy at many a Coca-cola commercial, and Walmart had a misty-eyed winner this past Christmas. These are two companies, that for my own reasons, I do not endorse or support. Still, they know how to make a good commercial.
But what I felt sad about wasn't the heart-tugging scene at the end of the Similac commercial where the quiet, soft, slow piano begins and we see moms and dads from all walks of life hugging and becoming friends. What made me sad is that Similac used the message of inclusiveness first.
Okay, maybe that's a little competitive, but hear me out. I have been a breastfeeding mama for 4 solid years, with no end in sight (insert bittersweet eye roll and knowing smile here). I love nursing my babes. I love being around other mothers nursing their babes. I love all things breastfeeding and motherhood.
Well, not all things. You see, I and others like me appear to be in some kind of exclusive club. Now, granted, I didn't sign up for this part, and I'm sure as hell not going to apologize for nursing my kids. If someone takes issue with the way I feed my kids, I honestly couldn't care less. And yes, I feel that we (sometimes smug, but often kind) breastfeeding moms get so into the cause of what we are doing that we step on some toes. We unwittingly alienate other moms who maybe didn't have the support we did to breastfeed, or maybe they simply couldn't, or even didn't want to at all. I have to ask myself why… why, of all of the issues that affect families, women, and children everyday, is this particular one SUCH a hot-button issue?
I would guess because parenting is intensely personal. And it's fucking hard. Like, really fucking hard. And when we're not being our own worst enemies, we're crying in the bathroom hiding from our angry toddlers and considering giving ourselves up for adoption because we can't possibly take another day of screwing our kids up. Seriously. It's a constant struggle for a perfection we know we'll never achieve.
But back to breastfeeding and the bogus "Mommy Wars." I have to ask, what are we moms, those who are breastfeeding successfully, doing to support the women who are not? Sure we do our research and can give you a thousand and one scientific and evolutionary reasons why breast is best. But what about the women who try and have no support? The women who desperately want to breastfeed but can't? What are we doing, proactively, to support and befriend these women?
Sadly, not much. I am guilty of not doing much. Upon learning that a friend who was intending to breastfeed had trouble and turned to formula, I have been very guilty of putting on that tense, slightly disapproving half-smile and changing the subject. Because it would seem that the 'battle' was over.
What if, when we befriend a pregnant first-time mommy, we invite her to a La Leche League meeting, or to hang out with our mommy friends who are both nursing and giving bottles? What if we started the conversation early, not just about the science and the benefits, but about the pitfalls, the struggles, the mastitis, the touched out feelings, the biting? What if we helped said mama have a contingency plan, just in case her goals of breastfeeding fall by the wayside? A breastfeeding doula, so to speak, who could keep her focused on her options, her nutrition, her true desires before losing her to formula and relegating her to the non-breastfeeding camp? Heading off the marketing ploys of the formula companies by introducing her to the concepts of donor milk and supplemental nursing systems, as well as the options of organic formula? I even know of one lady who made her own formula. The options are out there.
Basically, what I am asking is for 'us' to reach across the table to 'them'- and I'm sad that Similac did it first. Whether or not they are an evil company that feeds poison to babies and sneakily undermines the best intentions of new mothers is really not important. What is important is that we got lost in the cause and while we were touting the benefits of breastmilk and patting ourselves on the back on a job well done, Similac went ahead and did what we should have been doing in the first place- leveling the playing field of mother judgement.
I feel sad that this is one battle that we lost. I feel sad that so many new mothers think that there are only two options, and that they are mutually exclusive. Asking a formula company (or any billion-dollar company for that matter) to play fair is asking a tiger to change his stripes. And that's not to say we shouldn't still strive for truth in marketing and advertising- we most definitely should. But what we have to remember is that when we shout from our soapboxes that formula companies are evil, and fail to present our comrades-to-be with alternative options, we inadvertently proclaim that by default, you formula feeders are evil too. Oh, and you're poisoning your baby.
I suggest we put our hearts where our mouths are and start stepping up more. Reaching out to individuals, being a human being with another human being and helping each other through our ideals into our realities. Looking those mamas straight in the eyes and saying, no BELIEVING, that they are great moms. That we all are great moms, because we care enough to question if we are doing the right thing.
I'd like to imagine a future conversation… one where I've learned from my mistakes, learned from what the clever (and potentially evil) folks at Similac did. I imagine meeting a new mom-to-be, and as I have done countless times before, sharing my stories and my mistakes and the books I read and the blogs I found useful. I imagine telling her about my breastfeeding trials and tribulations, as well as all of the victories. I imagine following up with her as she approaches her due date, helping her with her birth plan, and supporting her choices. I imagine helping her to outline a similar breastfeeding plan, with contingency measures if it doesn't come as naturally as most of us imagined it would. And I imagine that, in the case that she does turn to formula, that I will stand beside her and introduce her to my friends, breastfeeding and formula-feeding, and announce, hey, meet Jen, she's a brave new mom and let's welcome her into the fold. And I imagine shooting her a knowing glance, our little assurance that no matter her circumstances, or her choices, I've got her back and I'm not judging her.
I hope to get the chance someday to help someone like that.
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